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Dating 101: They Always Come Back

It is an epidemic. You date a guy, it doesn’t work out for whatever reason, you break ties then out of nowhere he calls after two months of not talking. Ladies are guilty of grabbing the little black book in times of need as well so we can‘t be too mad at guys for doing the same. But how to handle this situation? When guys come back after you‘ve stopped dating,  their intentions aren’t always malicious. There are a few reasons as to why he would do this: he genuinely thought to call to see if you were still breathing, he wants to find out if he still has enough charm to wrangle you back in or simply, he wants sex. Once you find which one of these reasons is behind this call, then you proceed to handle the situation accordingly. This may be a no-no in the big rule book of dating but I encourage a little “cat and mouse” activity. One doesn’t appreciate something more than when it’s hard earned and worked for. So, when he comes back around, let it be known that if he wants to fulfill either of the three reasons listed above, it’s not going to be easy.

Just Calling

The number one reason used to cover up something someone really wants to say is, “Oh, I was just calling to see how you were doing.” About fifty percent of the time, this statement is true, the other half of the time they are calling for the other two reasons. If this turns out to be true, it’s okay to have a conversation with him; however, it is entirely up to the individual how long it lasts. Longer conversations usually lead to even longer ones and who knows from there. Do you want that to happen? In dating, especially a second time around, people tend to discover things unseen the first time. Or, ironically, what you thought aggravated you before–like the way he played with his ear when he got nervous–is really attractive. It’s possible for a person to “grow on you.” If he genuinely wants to know how you‘re doing, he must  have liked something about you. And that very well may be the last time you two talk in life but people have a different way of seeking closure. Keep in mind, although old feelings may emerge while you’re two are conversing, you’re not obligated to give him any more time than what you already have. Make him wonder about what he could’ve had if he would’ve stuck around. If he is indeed using the “just calling” reason, tell him that was a nice gesture, chit-chat, conclude and send him on his way.

You Still There?

Frequently heard when you think a call has been dropped, this is also what guys want to know after pulling a Houdini a couple months before. It’s unfortunate to say that some guys treat dating as a recreation. They meet women, leave women, then go back to those same women to see if he had a lasting enough impression to make them want more. It’s sickening but it’s what we have to deal with. The whole idea of wondering if he can wrap you around his crooked little finger comes from guys wanting to see how much control they can have, or better yet, boost their ego. Take away a man’s pride and he essentially left with that nothing. So, the confidence he exudes when he calls and you can hear in his voice that he’s convinced he can reel you in like a catfish, it’s a front and you can address it one of two ways. Before he begins his script to try and sway you, stop it before it starts and say something to the effect of, “Is there anything in particular you wanted to talk about?” If you have identified this as the reason he is calling and if you decide you don’t want to be his puppet, the extra conversation is unnecessary. The second option: stroke his ego. It’s interesting to see how guys react when we do this and they all require it to keep their testosterone level stable. Yes, it sounds tedious but if you decide you want to give him second chance at conversation-nothing more- and make him feel as if he accomplished something, you giggle, laugh at his jokes, make it seem like he’s really interesting and move on. Never say, “I miss you,” “I was thinking about you” or anything to that effect. Chit-chat, conclude and send him on his way.

Sex

If you two were intimate the first time around, it shouldn’t be a surprise why he’s asking again. Don’t’ get upset. Depending on your experience with him, you may want to be with him again too and that’s ok. In this case, especially if you don’t want a clinger, tell him that’s all you want and you’ll keep in touch. Sounds harsh but when you beat around the bush, you leave room for open interpretation; be blunt. Often women are sometimes hesitant to speak up about what they really want or how they feel because guys will either stop liking them or perceive them differently. Actually, guys like when women speak their minds, no matter what it is. He may not necessarily be attracted to you, but it’s a characteristic they definitely notice and admire in a woman. If you  weren’t intimate and you have no desire to be, tell him no. Simple as that. If after months of not talking he believes a single phone call is getting him back in your good graces (or in something else) he’s mistaking. If the doesn’t like it, forget him The best thing to do in dating is be yourself and if he doesn’t like it, chit-chat, conclude and send him on his way.

They say everybody deserves a second chance, but they didn’t explicitly explain what that second chance should entail. If he comes back, it’s totally up to what you want to do with him because the very second he dials your number, the ball is in your court and Lisa Leslie has nothing on you. This whole dating thing is should be fun and there is no reason women should helpless or clueless when looking for someone she wants to spend more time with than the others-because that’s all dating is. And when you go about handling things a certain way, the outcome for you is so much better. He, on the other hand, may go home and play with his action figures or call another woman; if this is the case, you didn’t need him anyway. So, until next time, Happy Dating!

About Brianna Harrell

One comment

  1. I love this article. I know I’m a year late, but I feel I can relate. I dunno why I seem to be an ex magnet. This fact annoys me. They always come back! Why put me through all the unnecessary hurt, all over again?

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